Monday, 15 February 2010

Having a go at the BBC

The Steering committee for television audio output said they had considered all the courses but decided they didn’t know which way to turn.

When asked to turn down the background sound on their documentary the soundmen said their volume control knob was rusty and stuck on high

The BBC when asked about the scheduling plans on documentaries said they didn’t have the full picture but were making all the right noises.

Viewers asked the BBCabout a piece of music broadcast on a documentary on Chaos Theory said it was just a hullabaloo.

Television viewers across the country were keeping their ears to the ground today. They said it was better than all that BBC rubbish.

The Chief Audio man from the BBC said one day he was going to take over the world ha ha.

The BBC has a policy of constantly moving their sound department in case people hear where all the noise is coming from.

The BBC said they hadn’t heard any complaints.

When the BBC were asked why they hadn’t heard any complaints they replied that they hadn’t been listening.

Production staff on the latest BBC documentary on the history of firearms said they were listenting out for the latest reports.

The BBC chiefs commented that the sound on the documentary about the Origin of The Universe should not be so realistic and certainly not repeated an infinite number of many times.

BBC soundmen in the light of their recent pay rises said they would increase output accordingly and for an extra bonus would turn the volume right up.

A BBC Sound engineer was reportedly going endlessly around the M25 today playing with his Tom Tom.

A celebrity narrater complained to the BBC producers that he couldn’t get a word in edgeways.

A BBC soundman was today accused of throwing a hissy fit while on a documentary.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

BBC Sex Programme Criticised

A sex education programme was criticized last night after the band backing the programme failed to get it together properly.

The group were told their rhythm was terrible and they could have banged their drum a lot louder.

Now, after me 1…2…3…


Friday, 5 February 2010



Yes you heard me, Tits

They used to tweet and sing and make noises in my garden.
With my bad ears I can’t hear them now.

Now, if I wan’t to listen to a lot of Tits I just turn the television on…

Death Trap

The young man was fit and healthy. He could hear clearly the tick …tick…tick of the clock. It was a slow reassuring sound. As a young man his brain was wired to select a mate.

His eyes scanned and registered only sights of thighs, bosoms, pretty faces, sleek legs, a pint of beer and the promise of fun.

His ears heard the beat of drums, the tempo of the dance, the promise of party, the chat of females, the voices of love.

Life is a death trap on a short fuse.

He played his quadrophonic hi fidelity system on full for hours trying to arouse and repeat these primal urges of lust after reproduction. His purpose, his being, to purpetuate, his being.

The tick..tick..tick had got faster and fainter. Time accelerates at an alarmingly ugly speed.

He now remembers how slow the clock ticked but could not hear the sound.
He hears the screams of tinnitus, the bells of torture in his head.

His main amusement now, his television, switched to mute for fear of pain.

His fight for peace is nearly over. Turn it off.

The trap has sprung.