Monday, 14 June 2010

22 / 7 Up above

22/7 Up Above

Day dreaming. Dreaming of the unlikely. Lying back on the beach watching the sky. Blue, glorious blue, apart from the three planes flying high creating vapour trails.

The vapour trails formed an upside down “U” – or Pi. So yes dreaming. Just idly thinking how good it would be to have sensible television programmes with no excessive noise, no spurious sounds, and no blaring, so-called music. Programmes where you could hear clear dialogue and have images that don’t flash, zoom and pan so fast you feel dizzy.

Just dreaming. Like the jet streams - just Pi in the sky.

Monday, 15 February 2010

Having a go at the BBC

The Steering committee for television audio output said they had considered all the courses but decided they didn’t know which way to turn.

When asked to turn down the background sound on their documentary the soundmen said their volume control knob was rusty and stuck on high

The BBC when asked about the scheduling plans on documentaries said they didn’t have the full picture but were making all the right noises.

Viewers asked the BBCabout a piece of music broadcast on a documentary on Chaos Theory said it was just a hullabaloo.

Television viewers across the country were keeping their ears to the ground today. They said it was better than all that BBC rubbish.

The Chief Audio man from the BBC said one day he was going to take over the world ha ha.

The BBC has a policy of constantly moving their sound department in case people hear where all the noise is coming from.

The BBC said they hadn’t heard any complaints.

When the BBC were asked why they hadn’t heard any complaints they replied that they hadn’t been listening.

Production staff on the latest BBC documentary on the history of firearms said they were listenting out for the latest reports.

The BBC chiefs commented that the sound on the documentary about the Origin of The Universe should not be so realistic and certainly not repeated an infinite number of many times.

BBC soundmen in the light of their recent pay rises said they would increase output accordingly and for an extra bonus would turn the volume right up.

A BBC Sound engineer was reportedly going endlessly around the M25 today playing with his Tom Tom.

A celebrity narrater complained to the BBC producers that he couldn’t get a word in edgeways.

A BBC soundman was today accused of throwing a hissy fit while on a documentary.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

BBC Sex Programme Criticised

A sex education programme was criticized last night after the band backing the programme failed to get it together properly.

The group were told their rhythm was terrible and they could have banged their drum a lot louder.

Now, after me 1…2…3…


Friday, 5 February 2010



Yes you heard me, Tits

They used to tweet and sing and make noises in my garden.
With my bad ears I can’t hear them now.

Now, if I wan’t to listen to a lot of Tits I just turn the television on…

Death Trap

The young man was fit and healthy. He could hear clearly the tick …tick…tick of the clock. It was a slow reassuring sound. As a young man his brain was wired to select a mate.

His eyes scanned and registered only sights of thighs, bosoms, pretty faces, sleek legs, a pint of beer and the promise of fun.

His ears heard the beat of drums, the tempo of the dance, the promise of party, the chat of females, the voices of love.

Life is a death trap on a short fuse.

He played his quadrophonic hi fidelity system on full for hours trying to arouse and repeat these primal urges of lust after reproduction. His purpose, his being, to purpetuate, his being.

The tick..tick..tick had got faster and fainter. Time accelerates at an alarmingly ugly speed.

He now remembers how slow the clock ticked but could not hear the sound.
He hears the screams of tinnitus, the bells of torture in his head.

His main amusement now, his television, switched to mute for fear of pain.

His fight for peace is nearly over. Turn it off.

The trap has sprung.

Thursday, 21 January 2010


The Dental Health in Britain Association had convened a meeting with the major Television Broadcasters to address the recent spate of dental problems across the country purportedly the result of excessive background sound on television.

The meeting was convened in a sound proof room adjacent to the offices of the Noise Abatement Society. This is pure coincidence and has nothing to do with this bulletin.

Six Orthodontists and dentists were present along with six members of the broadcasters associated with sound production on TV and video.

Chairing the meeting was the head of Amplification and Noise, Mr Tim Panny.

The members sat around the table with their, pads and styluses, all looking very stern. Not one smile was to be seen as the attendees eyed one another with suspicion and hostility. The three-piece band in the corner didn’t look too happy either.

There was a drum roll and crash of cymbals as the Chairman stood and opened the meeting “Gentlemen, welcome to the meeting. We of the Broadcathterth Aththothiathion are at bit of a lothth to underthtand what thith futhth ith all about.

According to your letterth and emailth and other correthpondenth people accrothth the country are loothing their teeth becauthe of muthic and exthenthive noithe levelth. I would like you to put your argumentth to the table in an orderly fathhion and we will conthider the evidenth to thee what can be done.”

The speaker for the dentists, Mr E Namel, put up a hand and got the attention of the chairman, “Mr. Chairman, before we begin official procedure I would like, off the record, if you don’t mind, to ask you a personal question …”…. As the soundman gave a slight nod the dentist continued. “It is obvious to all here that you have no front teeth and I wonder if you could tell us something about that?”

“Ah, yeth thertanly, they jutht fell out yethtrerday evening. Motht embarraththing. It ith one of the reathonth I am giving any credenth to your hypothithith. Perhapth you would explain yourthelveth.”

“Ok, as you may have seen, and heard on the National news, there is a large portion of the population who are suffering serious dental problems. Putting it plainly, their teeth are falling out. Many of our members are concerned at the loss of business. Do you realise that an extraction is charged in excess of £65 and multiply that by the number of teeth we have, by the population and you will see we have a serious money problem, er, loss of funding.”

The chairman replied “Mithter Namel, I am aware of the thituathion in the newth, and I thympathithe with your organthathion but I fail to thee what it hath to do with uth. Why, Mithter Namel, do you put the blame on broadcathterth?”

“Ah” said Mr Namel, “We dentists have done research and the problem appears to arise from sounds emanating from television and other receivers and has three ways of effecting the teeth. 1st, people to grit their teeth without even knowing it. 2nd, People are also grinding their teeth due to the stress generated by the sounds. 3rd, certain sounds made the teeth vibrate in the gums at a particular frequency which damaged roots and softened the enamel. Prolonged exposure actually vibrated the teeth out of the jaw.”

This talk was illustrated by the dentists with overhead projections; videos of vibrating teeth and other censored viewing material.

“Enough!” said the chairman. “Enough, we are convinthed. From now on we will be thinging from the thame thong thheet. We will tell our thuperiorth that we thhould implement a theventy perthent reduction in dethibel levelth ath thoon ath poththible. And if they don’t like it they can thuck on thith.” He was holding up two fingers, tuning fork and a drumstick.

The band played “God Thave the Queen”

The meeting adjourned with all the members’ conviction that they would all buy shares in companies producing drinking straws and soups.

Mr Namel got home late, tired and exhausted. But he was really pleased he had fought his case well. He sat back and relaxed in his favourite chair. He turned on his television…

Ping, Ping, Ping, “Good evening, thith ith The Ten o Clock Newth….

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

News at Ten

There was a beautiful light all around me. I seemed to be floating and to have no weight at all. My body seamed to be like the light air fluffy clouds gently flowing past. Things sparkled and glowed gently while drifting in and out of my vision in a tantalising yet curiously soothing manner.

Then I noticed my old dog coming for a pat on the head. “Hang on,” I thought, “She died years ago.”

I was not afraid of the revelation that I must have “moved on.” In fact, apart from a feeling of great contentment and Joy, I had no feelings of regret, pain, remorse or sadness. Everything was bright and beautiful.

“Ahh, there you are, Welcome my gr gr gr grandson, you will, I know, be happy here.”

As I greeted my gr gr gr granddad (that was not a stutter but my ancestor line squared to the power of infinity) I was aware of a great knowledge and a closeness and fellowship with all my past relatives and friends and pets (particularly “M” the budgie, I did miss that bird, the only one to ‘talk dirty’ to me).

They all drifted across towards me and exuded love, warmth and kindness.

Every thing was fine, beautiful. Time seemed to be plastic while I could invent stuff like a week with no Thursdays. The power was now mine. Flowers blossomed at my will and changed colour just as I wished.

In the haze I spotted a box like shape floating in the ether. It was drawing me in towards it with a semi hypnotic influence.

A voice in my head said: “Go there only if you want to be sucked into the eternal excrutiating hell of background noise on television. Many have pressed that button and have been transported to the realms of travel, documentary, wildlife, education and unreality programmes. The din of Hades will be with you forever.

You will never again be free of such demons as the frog tone or cashier number 3 please and cats being kicked by horses not to mention the double digited percussionist. Furthermore, you will have to share that vile realm with people who enjoy it and the people who enjoy inflicting it.”

Aaaaghhh. Bong.

Yeh, well there had to be something to ruin it didn’t there. I awoke to a very loud Bong, and News at ten.