Monday, 14 June 2010

22 / 7 Up above

22/7 Up Above

Day dreaming. Dreaming of the unlikely. Lying back on the beach watching the sky. Blue, glorious blue, apart from the three planes flying high creating vapour trails.

The vapour trails formed an upside down “U” – or Pi. So yes dreaming. Just idly thinking how good it would be to have sensible television programmes with no excessive noise, no spurious sounds, and no blaring, so-called music. Programmes where you could hear clear dialogue and have images that don’t flash, zoom and pan so fast you feel dizzy.

Just dreaming. Like the jet streams - just Pi in the sky.

Monday, 15 February 2010

Having a go at the BBC

The Steering committee for television audio output said they had considered all the courses but decided they didn’t know which way to turn.

When asked to turn down the background sound on their documentary the soundmen said their volume control knob was rusty and stuck on high

The BBC when asked about the scheduling plans on documentaries said they didn’t have the full picture but were making all the right noises.

Viewers asked the BBCabout a piece of music broadcast on a documentary on Chaos Theory said it was just a hullabaloo.

Television viewers across the country were keeping their ears to the ground today. They said it was better than all that BBC rubbish.

The Chief Audio man from the BBC said one day he was going to take over the world ha ha.

The BBC has a policy of constantly moving their sound department in case people hear where all the noise is coming from.

The BBC said they hadn’t heard any complaints.

When the BBC were asked why they hadn’t heard any complaints they replied that they hadn’t been listening.

Production staff on the latest BBC documentary on the history of firearms said they were listenting out for the latest reports.

The BBC chiefs commented that the sound on the documentary about the Origin of The Universe should not be so realistic and certainly not repeated an infinite number of many times.

BBC soundmen in the light of their recent pay rises said they would increase output accordingly and for an extra bonus would turn the volume right up.

A BBC Sound engineer was reportedly going endlessly around the M25 today playing with his Tom Tom.

A celebrity narrater complained to the BBC producers that he couldn’t get a word in edgeways.

A BBC soundman was today accused of throwing a hissy fit while on a documentary.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

BBC Sex Programme Criticised

A sex education programme was criticized last night after the band backing the programme failed to get it together properly.

The group were told their rhythm was terrible and they could have banged their drum a lot louder.

Now, after me 1…2…3…


Friday, 5 February 2010



Yes you heard me, Tits

They used to tweet and sing and make noises in my garden.
With my bad ears I can’t hear them now.

Now, if I wan’t to listen to a lot of Tits I just turn the television on…

Death Trap

The young man was fit and healthy. He could hear clearly the tick …tick…tick of the clock. It was a slow reassuring sound. As a young man his brain was wired to select a mate.

His eyes scanned and registered only sights of thighs, bosoms, pretty faces, sleek legs, a pint of beer and the promise of fun.

His ears heard the beat of drums, the tempo of the dance, the promise of party, the chat of females, the voices of love.

Life is a death trap on a short fuse.

He played his quadrophonic hi fidelity system on full for hours trying to arouse and repeat these primal urges of lust after reproduction. His purpose, his being, to purpetuate, his being.

The tick..tick..tick had got faster and fainter. Time accelerates at an alarmingly ugly speed.

He now remembers how slow the clock ticked but could not hear the sound.
He hears the screams of tinnitus, the bells of torture in his head.

His main amusement now, his television, switched to mute for fear of pain.

His fight for peace is nearly over. Turn it off.

The trap has sprung.

Thursday, 21 January 2010


The Dental Health in Britain Association had convened a meeting with the major Television Broadcasters to address the recent spate of dental problems across the country purportedly the result of excessive background sound on television.

The meeting was convened in a sound proof room adjacent to the offices of the Noise Abatement Society. This is pure coincidence and has nothing to do with this bulletin.

Six Orthodontists and dentists were present along with six members of the broadcasters associated with sound production on TV and video.

Chairing the meeting was the head of Amplification and Noise, Mr Tim Panny.

The members sat around the table with their, pads and styluses, all looking very stern. Not one smile was to be seen as the attendees eyed one another with suspicion and hostility. The three-piece band in the corner didn’t look too happy either.

There was a drum roll and crash of cymbals as the Chairman stood and opened the meeting “Gentlemen, welcome to the meeting. We of the Broadcathterth Aththothiathion are at bit of a lothth to underthtand what thith futhth ith all about.

According to your letterth and emailth and other correthpondenth people accrothth the country are loothing their teeth becauthe of muthic and exthenthive noithe levelth. I would like you to put your argumentth to the table in an orderly fathhion and we will conthider the evidenth to thee what can be done.”

The speaker for the dentists, Mr E Namel, put up a hand and got the attention of the chairman, “Mr. Chairman, before we begin official procedure I would like, off the record, if you don’t mind, to ask you a personal question …”…. As the soundman gave a slight nod the dentist continued. “It is obvious to all here that you have no front teeth and I wonder if you could tell us something about that?”

“Ah, yeth thertanly, they jutht fell out yethtrerday evening. Motht embarraththing. It ith one of the reathonth I am giving any credenth to your hypothithith. Perhapth you would explain yourthelveth.”

“Ok, as you may have seen, and heard on the National news, there is a large portion of the population who are suffering serious dental problems. Putting it plainly, their teeth are falling out. Many of our members are concerned at the loss of business. Do you realise that an extraction is charged in excess of £65 and multiply that by the number of teeth we have, by the population and you will see we have a serious money problem, er, loss of funding.”

The chairman replied “Mithter Namel, I am aware of the thituathion in the newth, and I thympathithe with your organthathion but I fail to thee what it hath to do with uth. Why, Mithter Namel, do you put the blame on broadcathterth?”

“Ah” said Mr Namel, “We dentists have done research and the problem appears to arise from sounds emanating from television and other receivers and has three ways of effecting the teeth. 1st, people to grit their teeth without even knowing it. 2nd, People are also grinding their teeth due to the stress generated by the sounds. 3rd, certain sounds made the teeth vibrate in the gums at a particular frequency which damaged roots and softened the enamel. Prolonged exposure actually vibrated the teeth out of the jaw.”

This talk was illustrated by the dentists with overhead projections; videos of vibrating teeth and other censored viewing material.

“Enough!” said the chairman. “Enough, we are convinthed. From now on we will be thinging from the thame thong thheet. We will tell our thuperiorth that we thhould implement a theventy perthent reduction in dethibel levelth ath thoon ath poththible. And if they don’t like it they can thuck on thith.” He was holding up two fingers, tuning fork and a drumstick.

The band played “God Thave the Queen”

The meeting adjourned with all the members’ conviction that they would all buy shares in companies producing drinking straws and soups.

Mr Namel got home late, tired and exhausted. But he was really pleased he had fought his case well. He sat back and relaxed in his favourite chair. He turned on his television…

Ping, Ping, Ping, “Good evening, thith ith The Ten o Clock Newth….

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

News at Ten

There was a beautiful light all around me. I seemed to be floating and to have no weight at all. My body seamed to be like the light air fluffy clouds gently flowing past. Things sparkled and glowed gently while drifting in and out of my vision in a tantalising yet curiously soothing manner.

Then I noticed my old dog coming for a pat on the head. “Hang on,” I thought, “She died years ago.”

I was not afraid of the revelation that I must have “moved on.” In fact, apart from a feeling of great contentment and Joy, I had no feelings of regret, pain, remorse or sadness. Everything was bright and beautiful.

“Ahh, there you are, Welcome my gr gr gr grandson, you will, I know, be happy here.”

As I greeted my gr gr gr granddad (that was not a stutter but my ancestor line squared to the power of infinity) I was aware of a great knowledge and a closeness and fellowship with all my past relatives and friends and pets (particularly “M” the budgie, I did miss that bird, the only one to ‘talk dirty’ to me).

They all drifted across towards me and exuded love, warmth and kindness.

Every thing was fine, beautiful. Time seemed to be plastic while I could invent stuff like a week with no Thursdays. The power was now mine. Flowers blossomed at my will and changed colour just as I wished.

In the haze I spotted a box like shape floating in the ether. It was drawing me in towards it with a semi hypnotic influence.

A voice in my head said: “Go there only if you want to be sucked into the eternal excrutiating hell of background noise on television. Many have pressed that button and have been transported to the realms of travel, documentary, wildlife, education and unreality programmes. The din of Hades will be with you forever.

You will never again be free of such demons as the frog tone or cashier number 3 please and cats being kicked by horses not to mention the double digited percussionist. Furthermore, you will have to share that vile realm with people who enjoy it and the people who enjoy inflicting it.”

Aaaaghhh. Bong.

Yeh, well there had to be something to ruin it didn’t there. I awoke to a very loud Bong, and News at ten.

Take it from here

Take it from here…..

“Ooh, Eff?”
“Yes Ron?”

“d’yer ear that?

“Ear what Ron?”

“That noise, Eff”

“No, neither did I!


“What, Ron?”

“Do you wanna? … you know, do you wanna?”

“Do I wanna what, Ron?”

“You know, Eff. Do you wanna play with my…..”
“ooh, Ron, you are awful!”
“No. Eff…my remote. Do you wanna play with my remote?”

“No, Ron, But we could…you know..”
“But Eff, your granddad is sat snoozin over there”
“I know, Ron, but he hasn’t got his glasses on, has he?”
“But Eff, he might wake up with all the noise Eff.
“Not if we turn the tele’ on, Ron”
“Ooh Eff!”
“What, Ron?”
“Ooh, Eff, let’s do it then…”
“Ooh, Ron!”
“Ooh, Eff!”
“Ooh, Ron!”
“Ooh, Eff!”
“Ooh, Ron, rhythm is not very good, is it?”
“Ooh, Eff, well it is only background noise, Eff. Howd’you expect me to keep time to that Eff?”
“Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ron, Ron, Doya do Ron, Ron!”


The New Moron

SonFurgPanasSam the giant mega, television maker, has announced the latest gizmo.

The breakthrough has been devised by request from customers and the overwhelming demand by the public around the globe.

It is the new Automatic remote control called the “Moron” which is essentially nothing more than a device that looks like the traditional hand held pointing device but which sports no buttons. It works on the principal of sound waves.
Despite its’ simple appearance the thing has some pretty smart firm wear on the inside.

The intelligent device can override any television settings made by the viewer and will automatically, on detection of any sound emanating from the television while words are spoken, blow all the fuses in the establishment.

A speeksman for the giant megacorp said they are preparing for an avalanche of orders as the public are queuing up around the globe for the device. It will be distributed by retail outlets, mail order and on line sites.

If you would like to pre-order your Moron go into another room and click just over there.

If you have problems obtaining your Moron contact your Broadcasting Company to get the alternative “Dumb” device…otherwise called the “Off Button.”

“z = z2 +C”

And A(z=z2+c) equals absolute chaos.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Television News report 29 Feb 2039


…”We are just receiving a report from the Scilly Isles
about the latest problems with global worming…over to our co-respondent on St Marys Miss De Point.”

…Pan to young lady in field leaning into the wind…

”Hello…as you can see here the whole fields of worms have come to the surface and are committing wormicide. According to our local expert ‘Wes Turly’ the problems have arisen because of the new television sound level broadcast from the mainland….Mr. Turly, can you explain to the viewers what is happening here? “

“Certainly, the problem has arisen from the new sound level in broadcasting. Years ago sound levels were measured in decebells and normal speech would be about 70dB. With the enthusiasm of broadcasters and equipment manufacturers the permitted levels were allowed to reach over 64gigaBells to match in with the digital era (they decided to bypass KiloBells and MegabBells to save time).

The effect of the sound waves has resulted in the worms flying out of their holes and banging themselves to death, which has a profound effect on the ecology. This is not just confined to these Islands. On the mainland children have been levitating or hovering on the soundwaves from the bongs from ‘News at 20.10.” The problem has arisen that the children and parents are not padding their floor and walls as advised resulting in a lot of broken limbs.

Also the French are complaining because the sound waves are creating tsunamis and eroding the Normandy Bitches. We think that’s what he said”

“Thank you Mr Turly. We are now going to the hospital to speak to Dr Mallard.
Meanwhile we apologise to viewers about the spilling orrors on the sob titles.
“Dr Mallard, how fast are you able to deal with the influx of patients?”

“Quick” he said.
“And do you think think the medical staff are coping all right?”
“Quack Quack”
Ok its back to the studio …Miss De Point on Scilly Isles”…

“Thak you, now our resident expert on Sound escallation Mr Percy Vear.
Mr Vear, Do you seriously think these problems of global worming and sound surfing are a problem?” There was a pause while the orchestra played offkey one of the latest monototunes at 32GiggaBels.

Percy Vear replied, “Well I haven’t really”
“Haven’t really what?” the newsacaster asked.
“Had any serious thoughts,…well not since the Big Bong. Sound excavation over the last years has meant everybody protects themselves and just has sob titles, and since the sob titles now have to broadcast in five languages to cater for the ethhnic majorities, we sound people just give in and turn up the volume…we’ve got to make a living too you know” at which point he fell over and burst into tears. While the music played on louder to drown out the cries.

“Sorry about that” the sub titles said (in five languages).


Saturday, 16 January 2010

Quality Control

Probable response from a spokesman for the Ethos Management, and Steering Committee of the Broadcasting Standards agency with special dispensation for quality of vision, sound and clarity and most importantly the 'appiness of television viewers. (The boss was in the basement making the tea at the time of the interview.) His deputy made this statement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a very important announcement to make, which I know you will be delighted to hear.

Without further ado I will state here exactly the proposals I wish to implement. You will of course realise that this is the purpose for which I have been striving and of which you are unaware that it is what you have been looking forward to for a long time now. Looking forward is the key because that is what I propose, that we look forward toward the future, while at the same time being cognisant of the past.

Getting to the point I should state categorically that we should waste no time in carefully considering the facts before us. Having said that, I should stress the importance of what has gone before and learn lessons in order to avoid retracing our steps and making the same mistakes twice.

So, what are the facts? How do they relate to us and what can we do about them. Well, so far it has been very encouraging and we hope to continue in the same positive manner. However, we do need to put certain safeguards in place not only to make sure that this doesn't happen again but also to reassure you that all is going to plan for the future.
Let me tell you here and now that the future is in our hands. If we all pull together we will achieve our aims and be able to push forward. To achieve our goals, of course we will have to practice the utmost care in organising the procedures in the right order. This will, I think you will agree, be the only way we will reap the rewards for which we are all striving.

You will meet opposition. You will be scoffed at, but at the end of the day you know that we are right and the only route ahead is for us to unite and be determined to win through. If we are steadfast in these beliefs we will get there and when all is said and done there is only one way. We have that choice ahead of us, to remind ourselves, and the world, that this is so. I will remind you of what I have just said - we have the choice to select the only path ahead.

To summarise the important issues I have raised here means that we have to be concerned about the simple complications and not care about fine detail of the overall matters raised. This enlightenment will give you all the tools you need to consider the general principals with which we are no longer interested in.
end quote

“Does that mean you are not going to do anything about the excessive background noise on television?”

“Yes. No. Well maybe. Perhaps not. What was the question again?”
“Your deaf aren’t you?”


Friday, 15 January 2010

Hearing Voices

I've just come back from the doctor

I told him that the voices had stopped and I
could no longer hear them.

"How long have you been hearing voices?" he asked.
"Since I was a kid,” I replied
"And when did you notice the voices had stopped?"
"It all started going wrong when we got the new
television. The voices gradually got drowned out
until I couldn't hear anything, well I could still
hear the noises of course."

The doc said he would examine my ears and proceeded
to prod me with this long pole with a speaker on
the end of it. Then he blew into a flugelhorn and
asked if I could hear that.

"Ouch," I said "that hurt!"

The doctor then gave me his diagnosis. I didn’t know
what to do with it at first but he told me dump it in
the nearest recycle centre.

"So what is the prognosis?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "there is only one sure-fire cure and
that is get rid of the set and any other receiving equipment
such as my 'opod' my 'ophone' and cut off your land line."

He added that it wasn't a 100% certain that I would be
cured. But as a trial I could just turn them off for a
while, but I'd still have to pay the licence."

I gave the last option a try for an hour or two.

Then I just heard 'one' voice.

After an hour or two I couldn’t stand it any longer.
I turned on the television and started to watch the
subtitles on a programme about masochism.

I am now waiting for them to come and take me away ha ha.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Dumb People

I have conducted an imaginary interview with a television personality who I shall call DOB and who likes to “tickle the English.” He also just loves going on trips by boat with a Welshman GRJ and an Englishman RMG and being “argumentatival.”

When I asked DOB what he thought about background sound on television he made some rude signs to me. I realised immediately that he had lost his voice.

I asked him how come he had lost his voice. DOBs arms waved about and fingers wiggled like mad. I tried very hard to contain my mirth and be serious while also trying to understand what he was trying to communicate.

It transpires that he was having an altercation (that took some translation from his signing) with the soundmen while broadcasting and he had had to shout so loud he had damaged his vocal cords. I asked him why he thought the soundmen had to make so much noise. He pointed at the sky, waved hands about and touched his nose.

I interpreted this as “God only Feckin Knows.”

As DOB is an atheist, I wondered if all the noise had affected his views.
I asked him.

He told me by some very clever movements and facial expressions that the soundmen were trying to prove there was such a thing as “anti-sound” and the means of proving their theory was to broadcast inappropriate noises to the nation by means of television sub-titles. It’s “ok” they said (apparently), “the service has already been paid for and as the general public have no means of complaining so they must be dumb”

Watching DOB make the gesture for DUMB I just fell about.

Many a true word is spoken in jest I thought. I am dumb and so is the viewing public when you think about it. We have no means to make our voice heard.
Even if we get the message over nobody is going to do anything about it …

Are they? ;-/

Saturday, 9 January 2010

My Face

I almost get a surprise when I look in the mirror in the morning - "Oh, it's you again..." I say to my reflection, "...still there then?"

By now I've got to know myself pretty well and have grown accustomed to the gradual changes and wrinkles appearing. Well, I have been living in my face for a long time as proved by my backward twin.

Fortunatley I am still friends with this other face looking back with the same expression revealing the emotion of the moment.

Occasionally I fall out with my two dimensional doppleganger and sometimes with good reason. My reflection has no conscience, which may be fortunate (for him) he just tells it as it is.

Mask by mask, grimace by grimace, he will copy in perfect time my visual image.What a mimic! If I grow a hair - he grows one. If I put on glasses - so does he.

If I envy my transposed double it is becasue he only has to reflect any pain and can disappear when I leave. However, he can laugh at me as I laugh back. He has his uses - when I shave he pulls all the right bits for scraping.

Facial expressions are catching - smile at the mirror and it smiles back - smile at other people and you may infect their emotions. Normally I have control over the image facing me - a power that means I can pretend and make this other me look grim or glad. And sometimes I get some dirty looks.

Often, I really don't want to see him (he does not have that choice) but vanity or curiosity prevails.

When I cut my hair at the back I use another mirror to see the back of my head and the strange thing is that the doubles double is still the wrong way round. All the movements I make with hands are backwards in the face mirror but correct in the double mirror and then the movements have to be reversed to match reality - what is weird is that the real life left-to-right is very hard to perform as we are used to looking and performing backwards.

Im leaving now, with a smile and hope he's smiling when I return. You can have one too.

Tony Dickins

Your Face

I suppose you think just because you have a face on the front of your head that you think you own it.

Ownership may be a contentious issue.

I mean you didn't buy your face did you?

I bet you haven't got a receipt for it and
knowing your high principles I am sure you
didn't nick it, half inch it, borrow it from a
(now) faceless bureaucrat, extricate it from a rubbish skip, discover that it had fallen from the back of a lorry, get a snip down the market or find it under a bush.

"A gift!" you say, (no comment).

So, who gave you the gift?

Answers of a religious nature on
a postcard please to anyone but me.

OK, hands up, I've got one too and I call it mine.

Whether we like it or not we've all got one
(some people have two).

We do things with it like poke it where it's not wanted, put it to music when there's trouble, turn it about, put stuff on it to (supposedly) make it more attractive, hide it, contort it, pull funny ones, make another one, put on a brave one, admire it, or not, in the mirror, also, in the right place - hope it fits, and be chuffed to bits to see a flattering photo of it.

Now there's an issue: If someone takes a photo of it, with or without permission, who owns the copyright?
The photographer, or you?

Well, without delving deep into the pedantics and philosophy behind copyright law, your face, because it is more often than not on view to anyone who happens to look your way, is actually public domain.

That means that you don't really own your face at all, it belongs to everyone and anybody.

So, for the sake of anybody and everyone who owns yours - have a smile on it.


Just before the Tate Gallery was thought of, men used to hunt for food with bows and arrows.

Of course we all know that. We also know that men with uncombed long hair used to dwell in caves. Their days were pretty busy, what with all that hunting, gathering and rubbing sticks together and sharpenning their flint arrowheads.

At that time though, paper and canvas hadn't been invented and so graffiti was.

Just imagine the family: pa Dick, ma Dick, with sons Juan Dic, (pronounced Whon), Francoiuse Dick (Frank), Athur Dick, Micheal Dick (Mik Dick), plus daughters Ada, Betty and Mabel. These are thier full names of course as time was so short, family members would only have been recognised by grunts (a bit like the modern day family).

The Dick family, just after the sun went down, and by the light of their cave fire, were tearing off bits of Gnu legs and munching on the root of the spaghetti bush.

Arthur was pondering the fact that TV was yet to be invented, The radio was useless because broadcasting stations and the BBC and Luxenburg hadn't been thought of then. And as a precursor to our glossy magazines, books and the Radio Times, he decided to scratch stuff on the walls.The rest of the family was oblivious to Arthurs workings as they were all slightly pied from dringink too much fermented Yak juice.

Come the morning, it is a different story, with the sun illuminating the walls of their des res. Pa Dick (as down though history all other Dicks have) exclaims "whaasat." Total family confusion reigns (a bit like the modern day family) as the rest can't focus well on the walls. When they do, accusations abound and each family member is accused of obscuring the nice stone walls with images of beasties.

Today we now know where the origin of the phrase comes from: "But is it Art?"

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Dimming your wits with television

Let's watch a nature program or something peaceful... 

ha what a joke

Wear your ear muffs or turn the sound off...

Mash Your Brains - Watch television with the sound on

Lets watch a peaceful nature programme with fish and birds - What's this an orchestra in full drums and tubas at the bottom of the ocean and in that field of skylarks there is a military tattoo and that damned pianno with two notes repeating louder and louder.
Sound Off and subtitles - that's ruined that then....

Television Backround Noise

What is it with television progamme makers that they have to drown everything out with loud music and awful noises?

No good complaining because they can't hear you for all the noise they make.