Thursday, 21 January 2010


The Dental Health in Britain Association had convened a meeting with the major Television Broadcasters to address the recent spate of dental problems across the country purportedly the result of excessive background sound on television.

The meeting was convened in a sound proof room adjacent to the offices of the Noise Abatement Society. This is pure coincidence and has nothing to do with this bulletin.

Six Orthodontists and dentists were present along with six members of the broadcasters associated with sound production on TV and video.

Chairing the meeting was the head of Amplification and Noise, Mr Tim Panny.

The members sat around the table with their, pads and styluses, all looking very stern. Not one smile was to be seen as the attendees eyed one another with suspicion and hostility. The three-piece band in the corner didn’t look too happy either.

There was a drum roll and crash of cymbals as the Chairman stood and opened the meeting “Gentlemen, welcome to the meeting. We of the Broadcathterth Aththothiathion are at bit of a lothth to underthtand what thith futhth ith all about.

According to your letterth and emailth and other correthpondenth people accrothth the country are loothing their teeth becauthe of muthic and exthenthive noithe levelth. I would like you to put your argumentth to the table in an orderly fathhion and we will conthider the evidenth to thee what can be done.”

The speaker for the dentists, Mr E Namel, put up a hand and got the attention of the chairman, “Mr. Chairman, before we begin official procedure I would like, off the record, if you don’t mind, to ask you a personal question …”…. As the soundman gave a slight nod the dentist continued. “It is obvious to all here that you have no front teeth and I wonder if you could tell us something about that?”

“Ah, yeth thertanly, they jutht fell out yethtrerday evening. Motht embarraththing. It ith one of the reathonth I am giving any credenth to your hypothithith. Perhapth you would explain yourthelveth.”

“Ok, as you may have seen, and heard on the National news, there is a large portion of the population who are suffering serious dental problems. Putting it plainly, their teeth are falling out. Many of our members are concerned at the loss of business. Do you realise that an extraction is charged in excess of £65 and multiply that by the number of teeth we have, by the population and you will see we have a serious money problem, er, loss of funding.”

The chairman replied “Mithter Namel, I am aware of the thituathion in the newth, and I thympathithe with your organthathion but I fail to thee what it hath to do with uth. Why, Mithter Namel, do you put the blame on broadcathterth?”

“Ah” said Mr Namel, “We dentists have done research and the problem appears to arise from sounds emanating from television and other receivers and has three ways of effecting the teeth. 1st, people to grit their teeth without even knowing it. 2nd, People are also grinding their teeth due to the stress generated by the sounds. 3rd, certain sounds made the teeth vibrate in the gums at a particular frequency which damaged roots and softened the enamel. Prolonged exposure actually vibrated the teeth out of the jaw.”

This talk was illustrated by the dentists with overhead projections; videos of vibrating teeth and other censored viewing material.

“Enough!” said the chairman. “Enough, we are convinthed. From now on we will be thinging from the thame thong thheet. We will tell our thuperiorth that we thhould implement a theventy perthent reduction in dethibel levelth ath thoon ath poththible. And if they don’t like it they can thuck on thith.” He was holding up two fingers, tuning fork and a drumstick.

The band played “God Thave the Queen”

The meeting adjourned with all the members’ conviction that they would all buy shares in companies producing drinking straws and soups.

Mr Namel got home late, tired and exhausted. But he was really pleased he had fought his case well. He sat back and relaxed in his favourite chair. He turned on his television…

Ping, Ping, Ping, “Good evening, thith ith The Ten o Clock Newth….

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