Sunday, 17 January 2010

Television News report 29 Feb 2039


…”We are just receiving a report from the Scilly Isles
about the latest problems with global worming…over to our co-respondent on St Marys Miss De Point.”

…Pan to young lady in field leaning into the wind…

”Hello…as you can see here the whole fields of worms have come to the surface and are committing wormicide. According to our local expert ‘Wes Turly’ the problems have arisen because of the new television sound level broadcast from the mainland….Mr. Turly, can you explain to the viewers what is happening here? “

“Certainly, the problem has arisen from the new sound level in broadcasting. Years ago sound levels were measured in decebells and normal speech would be about 70dB. With the enthusiasm of broadcasters and equipment manufacturers the permitted levels were allowed to reach over 64gigaBells to match in with the digital era (they decided to bypass KiloBells and MegabBells to save time).

The effect of the sound waves has resulted in the worms flying out of their holes and banging themselves to death, which has a profound effect on the ecology. This is not just confined to these Islands. On the mainland children have been levitating or hovering on the soundwaves from the bongs from ‘News at 20.10.” The problem has arisen that the children and parents are not padding their floor and walls as advised resulting in a lot of broken limbs.

Also the French are complaining because the sound waves are creating tsunamis and eroding the Normandy Bitches. We think that’s what he said”

“Thank you Mr Turly. We are now going to the hospital to speak to Dr Mallard.
Meanwhile we apologise to viewers about the spilling orrors on the sob titles.
“Dr Mallard, how fast are you able to deal with the influx of patients?”

“Quick” he said.
“And do you think think the medical staff are coping all right?”
“Quack Quack”
Ok its back to the studio …Miss De Point on Scilly Isles”…

“Thak you, now our resident expert on Sound escallation Mr Percy Vear.
Mr Vear, Do you seriously think these problems of global worming and sound surfing are a problem?” There was a pause while the orchestra played offkey one of the latest monototunes at 32GiggaBels.

Percy Vear replied, “Well I haven’t really”
“Haven’t really what?” the newsacaster asked.
“Had any serious thoughts,…well not since the Big Bong. Sound excavation over the last years has meant everybody protects themselves and just has sob titles, and since the sob titles now have to broadcast in five languages to cater for the ethhnic majorities, we sound people just give in and turn up the volume…we’ve got to make a living too you know” at which point he fell over and burst into tears. While the music played on louder to drown out the cries.

“Sorry about that” the sub titles said (in five languages).


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